Milking It For All It’s Worth

On the dairy industry's desperate battle to maintain its brand, one way or the udder (ha!)

When I was a kid, I could always measure the state of our family’s finances by what I called the “milk test.” During good times mom would return from grocery shopping with a gallon jug of milk that went straight into the refrigerator. But when times were tight, the “milk” came in a box instead of a jug and went into the cupboard rather than the refrigerator. I refused to accept this product as milk as long as the word “milk” on the box was preceded by the dreaded word: “powdered.”

Those of you who are old — and were poor — enough no doubt remember this product. Just add water to the powder and – PRESTO! – you now had a glass filled with a liquid that was just like real milk except in terms of consistency, color and taste.

And it wasn’t just powdered milk. My childhood was filled with efforts to trick the public with substandard alternatives to the real thing, whether “New” Coke replacing the beloved original, the vile chocolate substitute “carob,” so-called “candy” cigarettes — the list goes on and on.

Nowadays the tables have turned, and it’s the dairy industry rather than disappointed children objecting to mislabeling products as “milk.” And that’s because, at least from a consumer’s standpoint, we live in a golden age of milk options. Besides the old standbys of 2%, 1%, skim milk, whole milk, chocolate milk and buttermilk, you can also get lactose-free milk, organic milk and goat’s milk, plus a host of non-dairy options including oat milk, soy milk, almond milk, coconut milk and even hemp milk. Truly, today’s answer to the oft-repeated question “Got milk?” is “Yes, and then some.”

No “Milk” For You

And that’s precisely the dairy industry's problem. It shouldn’t be legal to use the “milk” label for all these new plant-based beverages, they argue, because these products don’t come from cows — which as any god-fearing, flag-loving, milk-mustachioed American knows is the one and only true source for all milk.

“If you can get milk from an almond, where are its nipples — answer me that!” is a frequent complaint heard from drunken dairy industry lobbyists crying into their white Russians in Washington DC area bars.

At first the industry tried to get the government to ban all plant-based products from using “milk” in the product name, with one dairy farmer cooperative spokesman arguing that almond milk, soy milk and the rest did not follow, and I quote, “the standard of identity for milk." 

So apparently the dairy industry’s position is that, since these products are not biologically milk, they should not be allowed to “identify” as milk. Which, frankly, to me sounds transphobic.

Yet, eager to avoid sounding unreasonable, the dairy industry pointed out that there are plenty of equally accurate ways to describe soy milk, almond milk and oat milk without using the “milk” label, offering up such helpful options as “soy pus,” “almond sludge” and “oat liquid waste product.”

There is, of course, precedent for the dairy industry to take this kind of aggressive stance over labeling. In the landmark case of Butter v I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, the defendants argued that their product could not be confused with butter because the words “It’s Not Butter” appear RIGHT IN THE PRODUCT NAME. But then the plaintiffs countered that the defendants’ argument was undermined by the presence of the words “I Can’t Believe” in the name as well, which effectively negated the premise that the product was not supposed to be butter. Then, in a moment of drama worthy of an episode of Law & Order, the judge opened the lid from a tub of margarine as the courtroom silence was broken by the sound of a single word: “Par-KAY.”

OK, I made all of that up. But the point is that companies routinely give new products names that incorporate terms we’re already familiar with. This is why you point and click using a computer “mouse,” vegetarians spend Thanksgiving dining on “Tofurkey” and adult films are given titles like ”White Men Can Hump” and “Shaving Ryan’s Privates.” 

Bear in mind that the dairy industry never quibbled over a product with the name “Milk of Magnesia.” Of course, the material difference between Milk of Magnesia and soy milk is that Milk of Magnesia doesn’t threaten the dairy industry’s profits because it’s not promoted as a milk alternative. No one has ever intentionally poured Milk of Magnesia over a bowl of Corn Flakes – not without first ingesting substantial quantities of illicit pharmaceuticals anyway.

Don’t Have A Cow, Man

The best defense against the dairy industry’s accusations would probably come from the popular non-dairy product that looks and tastes a lot like milk, but goes by the name “Not Milk.” I can imagine the company’s increasingly exasperated lawyer saying, “It’s right there in the name – NOT milk! How could it be any more clearly not milk? What should we have called it instead, ‘Not At All Milk, Not Even A Little Bit?’ Or maybe ‘Not Fucking Milk, That’s For Sure!’”

The reality is, of course, that the dairy industry is absolutely right – these products carry the “milk” name precisely because the buying public is supposed to view them as milk alternatives. “Not Milk” in particular, reminds me of an experiment my college Intro Psych teacher conducted on the class about “Ironic Process Theory” – how if you tell someone, “Don’t think of a fire truck,” the first thing to pop into their minds will be… to wonder if this is going to be on the test. But that’s students’ instant response to anything a professor says. The NEXT thing to pop into their minds will be a fire truck.

In an effort to demonstrate my mastery of the subject matter, I later approached my psych professor and said, “Don’t think of giving me an ‘A.’” He appreciated the effort, he said, but suggested I had a better chance of getting hit by a fire truck.

But overall, it looks like the dairy industry is fighting a losing battle, and milk alternatives will keep growing in popularity while being allowed to use the “milk” designation. My suggestion? The industry should adopt an “Oh yeah, well, two can play at that game” approach and rebrand its product.

They can call it “Not Not Milk.”