The Year Ahead in Preview

Land Sakes Alive, Here Comes 2025!

According to the Chinese calendar, 2024 was the Year of the Dragon. But judging by Google search trends, 2024 will more likely be remembered as the Year of the Hippo. Specifically, the Thailand Zoo’s resident celebrity baby hippo Moo Deng, who delighted fans worldwide with her antics, whether adorably splashing around in a wading pool, playfully chasing monkeys around the zoo enclosure or viciously biting and attacking her human handlers.

But cute little Moo Deng represented one of the rare upbeat stories in a year that was otherwise as depressing and sad as a childless cat lady — just one long Spirit Airlines flight through a bomb cyclone on a rickety Boeing aircraft with a flight attendant reassuring us over the intercom that she didn’t fall out of a coconut tree while elbowing the doddering old pilot out of the cockpit.

Yes, 2024 was a year sadly dominated by confusing, seemingly endless conflicts around the globe, whether in Gaza, in Ukraine or in the boxing ring between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson, a year when, try as we might, remaining “very mindful, very demure” seemed as unattainable as finding “a man in finance,” with “a trust fund, six-five, blue eyes.”

Of course, the story that dominated headlines throughout the year was a bitterly divisive presidential campaign that threatened to tear the country apart at the seams, regardless of the outcome. Yet afterwards, the nation unexpectedly managed to come together, united in the one sentiment that, as Americans, we all share: a hatred for the health insurance industry.

But we know that dwelling on the past, much like Joe Biden debate prep or compiling a reading list for Donald Trump, is a pointless exercise. So instead, let us take our cue from RFK Jr. and cast the old year aside like a dead bear cub in Central Park while, as Kamala Harris might say, unburdening ourselves from what has been in 2024 to redirect our gaze forward over some of the key events that will keep us from thinking too much about the Roman Empire in the year to come:

January 6: A group of Trump supporters surround the U.S. Capitol in Washington, chanting “Stop the Steal!” and “Hang Mike Pence!” before being reminded by Capitol Police officers that Trump had, in fact, won the 2024 election, leading one protester to sheepishly tell a reporter, “Sorry, force of habit,” before quickly dismantling his wooden gallows and departing.

January 17: Astronauts Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore, stranded on the International Space Station since June, respond to being told they will be rescued and can return on January 20th just in time for the Trump inaugural by telling NASA, “Nah, thanks, we’re good up here.”

February 9: The Super Bowl audience erupts with cheers when halftime show headliner Kendrick Lamar concedes the stage to his surprise guest performer, Australian Olympic breakdancer Raygun.

March 24: Responding to news reports that WNBA superstar Caitlin Clark risked her life to race into a burning building and save dozens of orphans, the league issues a press release criticizing the media for failing to cover the many good deeds performed by other WNBA players.

April 22: Stung by all the criticism he continues to receive on his own platform, Elon Musk announces that in the interest of “fairness” and “to curb online hate,” X will, from then on, only allow posts from Musk himself and the various burner accounts he maintains.

May 4: The Springfield, Ohio-based owner of Haitian Veterinary Care, Inc. files a lawsuit against Donald Trump, claiming the president drove his customers away and also forced him to abandon the business’s popular slogan, “They’re treating the dogs; they’re treating the cats.”

May 30: Netflix is accused of insensitivity when, desperate for programming that will appeal to the younger demographic, the network announces development of its latest reality show, “America’s Next Top CEO Hunter.”

June 18: On the same day the Supreme Court rules the TikTok ban unconstitutional on “free speech” grounds, Justice Clarence Thomas announces the launch of his personal TikTok shop with a limited-time offer of $50 off all hand-signed judicial robes.

July 2: After taking time to recover from his disappointing performance at the 2024 Olympics, French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati resumes training and announces a lucrative new sponsorship with French athletic gear and equipment manufacturer Le Coq Sportif.

July 22: The news media reports that the return of hyperinflation has sent grocery prices so high that many consumers can only afford fresh produce by purchasing modern art pieces with fruit duct-taped to walls.

August 7: In recognition of viral internet personality and Nashville native Haliey Welch’s contributions to the culture, the Tennessee state legislature votes to update the official state motto from “Agriculture and Commerce” to “Spit on that Thang.”

August 30: OpenAI announces that within five years the company expects its “Dall-E” technology to generate images of human hands that are, quote, “pretty darned realistic-looking” and depict the correct number of fingers, “a lot of the time, mostly.”

September 4: After spending nine months away from home trying to “get its head together” and running out of money, the wayward Santa Cruz pier returns home.

September 30: Fresh off the critical and commercial success of “Cowboy Carter,” her 2024 album of Country and Western songs, Beyoncé once again charts a new course, this time by releasing an album devoted exclusively to Mongolian throat singing.

October 11: Overconfident after his unanimous decision over Mike Tyson, reality star-turned boxer Jake Paul fails to train adequately and is knocked out in the 6th round of the follow-up bout with his 84-year-old grandmother.

November 13: People Magazine is denounced by members of the business and political elites after bowing to public pressure and naming Luigi Mangione “Sexiest Man Alive.”

December 31: After nearly a year presiding over an economy in freefall, multiple diplomatic failures around the globe and cratering approval ratings, Donald Trump announces that he’s discovered evidence to prove that the 2024 election was, in fact, stolen and Kamala Harris has been president all along.