Did you know that at this time last year many people thought that — and boy, are you going to laugh when you hear this — 2019 had been a terrible year and were happy to just get it over with and start on 2020? Isn’t that hilarious? Aren’t you laughing just, like, so hard right now? It certainly sounds like you’re laughing. What? That’s *not* laughing, it’s crying? Oh… yeah, I guess that makes more sense.
Yes, it’s true that the new year kicked off by turning half of the Australian continent into a charcoal briquette, but we just thought, “Hey, if that’s the worst thing that happens in 2020, it’s not TOO bad, right? Right?”
Wow, were we wrong. 2020 got much worse. Categorically, catastrophically, cataclysmically worse. And that’s just talking about the Democrats’ handling of the Iowa caucus!
2020 was an epic disaster from start to finish, a year when a tiny little virus caused us all an enormous amount of trouble, when we learned just how much we’d miss the simple pleasures in life, like going to the movies, dining out, or using a gas station bathroom.
So let’s not fixate on a year we all wish we could have just collectively told, “Mute yourself.” Instead, let’s close all our open tabs on 2020 and cast our gaze forward as we unmask the events yet to come that we’ll no doubt want to socially distance ourselves from 12 months from now:
Jan 19: Due to a clerical mixup during his frenzied last day in office, Donald Trump mistakenly issues blanket pardons for murder hornets.
Jan 20: At the Inaugural, Trump’s attempt to rush the stage to demand he be sworn in instead of Joe Biden is thwarted when Kanye West gets there first.
February 7: While piloting his Tesla space vehicle in “auto-stronaut” mode, Elon Musk nods off and crashes into the international space station.
March 24: When Secret Service agents entering the presidential bedroom discover Kamala Harris leaning over a sleeping President Biden, the visibly agitated Vice President jumps back and hurriedly explains that she was, quote, “just fluffing Joe’s pillows.”
April 11: Donald Trump sends out an email to supporters requesting donations to help build a time machine to send Sidney Powell back to November 2020 so she can file additional lawsuits contesting the presidential election.
April 24: At the 2021 White House Correspondents Dinner, Wall Street Journal Opinion Editor James Epstein begins choking on a piece of chicken and is saved when the Heimlich Maneuver is applied by “Dr.” Jill Biden.
May 3: Prince Harry and Princess Meghan, in an effort to encourage people to leave them alone following their move to Los Angeles, begin asking everyone they encounter to “please take a look at my screenplay.”
May 26: Authorities reveal that fugitive from justice Jared Kushner has been evading capture by “hiding out” as a contestant on The Masked Singer (specifically “The Weasel”).
June 16: The Donald Trump Presidential library groundbreaking takes place in the Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot.
June 26: In an effort to appeal to the youth demographic, President Joe Biden announces his new infrastructure plan via Tik Tok dance.
July 23: The Olympic flame-lighting ceremony is interrupted by a crazed Rudy Giuliani claiming the fire is being fueled by thousands of discarded Trump ballots.
August 6: Senator Chuck Schumer announces that, in order to avoid a number of “uncomfortable conversations” with certain aging Senate colleagues, a wing of the US Capitol building will quietly be converted into an elder care facility.
August 30: Environmentalists warn that climate change may be accelerating when the state of Florida is struck by 11 separate hurricanes on the same day.
September 8: The producers behind the critically acclaimed Schitt’s Creek debut their new series, “F*ck You, You F*cking A**hole.”
September 29: Americans honor the one year anniversary of the first Trump-Biden presidential debate by spending the day repeatedly interrupting one another.
October 11: In a move criticized as both ”ill-advised” and “tone-deaf,” Congressional Democrats including Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer honor Indigenous People’s Day by kneeling in the Capitol Rotunda while wearing "throwback" Washington Redskins uniforms.
October 31: At the White House’s annual Halloween party, Joe Biden dresses up as the Fantastic Four’s Ben Grimm and, when asked who Ben Grimm is, repeatedly responds, “You know, The Thing!”
November 18: After years of corruption and mismanagement under president Wayne LaPierre, the National Rifle Association seeks to restore members’ confidence in the organization by naming a new president, “Tiger King” Joe Exotic.
December 31: As the last piece of legislative business before the new year, both houses of Congress pass by unanimous consent a bill directing that the year 2020 be stricken from the historical record.