Remember how optimistic we were at this time last year? The eagerly anticipated COVID vaccine was right around the corner, Joe Biden’s victory promised a return to sanity in the White House and the US Capitol Building remained refreshingly free of marauding, flag pole-wielding hordes determined to lynch the Vice President or, failing that, snap a few selfies with the Capitol police.
It turns out that all that beginning-of-the-year optimism was, well, let’s just say a bit premature. Rather than being the refreshing yin to 2020’s horrible yang, 2021 wound up being a year of contrasts – a 12-month span that saw us lose a Kimye but gain (back) a Bennifer, a year when everything seemed to cost more but at least Britney was free, when we experienced supply chain breakdowns and COVID case breakthroughs, when Joe Biden’s agenda had no trouble passing the House but got stuck when it ran into a Manchin, and when many of us sought an escape from the woes of living with crushing debt by watching… a show about people trying to escape from the woes of living with crushing debt.
So instead of dwelling on a year that, frankly, stank about as bad as those celebrity couples who kept telling us they never bathe, let’s take a lesson from 2021 itself and treat the past year like it’s a Congressional subpoena and ignore it, like it’s Afghanistan and abandon it in a disorganized frenzy, like we’re the Ever Given cargo ship and 2021 is the Suez Canal we got stuck in for too long and are ready to free ourselves from once and for all.
That way, we can redirect our gaze where it belongs - on the road ahead (unless we have one of those cool Teslas that lets you play video games while you drive, that is) as we get all the requisite booster shots and preview some of the events that the year ahead has in store:
January 13: Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene claims her personal liberty has been violated when she is barred from entering the Capitol with a surface-to-air missile launcher
February 7: At the Beijing Winter Olympics, in an effort to one-up British diver and knitting enthusiast Tom Daley, American figure skater Nathan Chen uses a chainsaw on the sidelines to carve a 10-foot tall ice sculpture version of Mt. Rushmore.
Feb 13: Following Tampa Bay’s repeat Super Bowl victory, a painting of a bruised, battered and hideously disfigured Tom Brady is discovered in the attic of Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen’s mansion.
March 5: The Biden administration agrees to ease what many consider onerous mask restrictions, announcing that Americans may now remove masks while showering, skydiving or sword-swallowing.
March 24: “No Friends of Mine,” a blistering tell-all is released by “Marcel,” the capuchin monkey who appeared in season one of Friends (alternate title: “Not there for ME”).
April 7: In an effort to show how much he opposes federally-required COVID measures, Florida’s GOP Governor Ron DeSantis signs a bill requiring all state legislators to greet one another with open-mouth kisses.
April 22: President Joe Biden announces that we have “turned the corner” in the fight against the coronavirus and will be “back to normal” by the 4th of July, adding, “and this time I really mean it.”
May 4: Concern for Elon Musk’s obsession with interstellar travel grows when the Tesla CEO announces he is changing his name to “Spacely” and that his company will stop manufacturing electric cars in favor of “sprockets.”
May 16: Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert says her freedoms have been encroached upon when she is cited for piloting an Apache attack helicopter over the White House.
May 22: The term “Space Jam” takes on a new, tragic meaning when the proliferation of private spacecraft leads to a massive suborbital pile-up claiming the lives of 47 billionaires.
June 19: As part of the National Rifle Association’s bankruptcy proceedings, creditors are granted permission to dig up and open the casket of former NRA president Charlton Heston to seize the valuable rifle he was buried with from his “cold, dead hands.”
July 11: The worlds of politics and show business are simultaneously rocked when Michelle Obama announces she’s leaving her marriage to begin dating Pete Davidson.
July 29: Faced with the growing threat of the tri-epsilon variant, the Biden administration mandates that all citizens receive hourly COVID booster shots.
August 8: In the midst of a devastating heat wave across the southern U.S., Texas Senator Ted Cruz flees the state with his family on a “previously scheduled” trip to Antarctica.
August 21: Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene insists her constitutional rights have been infringed upon when she is arrested for kidnapping and holding hostage the entire Congressional Progressive Caucus.
September 13: Despite insisting he has no plans to run for president in 2024, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is revealed to have spent $1.3 billion of the department’s budget just to upgrade the presidential motorcade.
September 29: Protesters force the closure of obedience schools across the country after a rumor spreads on social media that the dogs are being trained in critical race theory.
October 9: Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert demands she is being treated unfairly when she is arrested for stealing an F-15 fighter jet and strafing the National Mall.
October 29: A week before the midterm elections, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer grants Senate time so Mitch McConnell can stage mock impeachment proceedings against Joe Biden “just for practice.”
November 10: In response to Texas’ restrictive abortion ban, Colorado, California and 14 other states pass laws allowing residents to sue for $10,000 anyone entering the state who, quote, “appears to be from Texas.”
November 27: Donald Trump’s 11th attempt to create a new social media outlet collapses when the new platform Liarr only attracts subscribers using fake names.
December 15: Pop star Olivia Rodrigo uses her experience conducting aerial surveillance of her ex-boyfriend to score another number one hit with “Pilot’s License.”
December 29: Congresswomen Marjorie Taylor-Greene and Lauren Boebert claim their First Amendment rights are being violated when the two are arrested by border control agents while trying to smuggle a stolen nuclear warhead into the country.
this stuff has happened? what !?!
are you from the future?
is AOC president there? did they ever find out if Viagara is causing cancer? asking for a friend
Here's hoping the finale of 2022 gives you absolutely nothing to satirize because it turned out to be such a colossal bore and everyone burned their masks in celebration.