Watch Your Language!

Get ready to start experiencing lots of different tongues right in your ear!

Can this one simple device usher in an era of global understanding?

Lately I’ve been seeing lots of online ads for an intriguing new type of wireless earbud. According to the ads, these devices provide wearers with accurate English translations of different languages in real time. So whether people in the vicinity are speaking French, Swahili, Tagalog or any of 100 other languages, these little electronic inserts immediately provide English translations into your ear.

There are probably all sorts of great applications for this technology, but the ads tend to focus on how these earbuds can confirm your suspicions that people nearby speaking a language you don’t understand are, in fact, talking about you. The device’s manufacturers have apparently run the numbers and decided their target audience is “narcissistic paranoiacs.”

Of course, as Catch-22 author Joseph Heller famously noted, “Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.” Similarly, you could be right that the folks nearby ARE talking about you, most likely commenting unfavorably on your attire, how “dateable” you are, or your personal hygiene habits.

I love hearing stories where the subject of one of these conversations actually understands what’s being said about them, and responds with a “mic drop” moment by saying to the speakers in their own language something like “My shoes? What about your hat?”, “I wouldn’t go out with you either” or “Actually, I bathe quite regularly!” before triumphantly striding off.

Language Is a Two-Way Streep

Meryl Streep tells one such story from when, as an up-and-coming actress, she met Italian director Dino De Laurentiis during casting of the 1976 remake of King Kong. She recalls De Laurentiis turning to his son and saying in Italian, “Che brutta?” meaning, essentially, “Why such an ugly girl?” Unfazed, Streep replied, in perfect Italian, “I’m sorry I’m not beautiful enough to be in King Kong,” and walked out. And the crazy thing is she doesn’t even speak Italian — she’s just that great of an actress!

Sadly, trouble can arise even if the people you’re overhearing but not understanding are speaking positively about you.

I’m reminded of a story related by my friend Steve, who is Korean-American but, according to him, doesn’t have distinctly Korean features. Steve says he used to patronize a hair salon where the stylists spoke Korean to one another in front of customers, including him.

Though he understood what they were saying, he never let on. Then one day in the middle of a trim, his stylist, speaking Korean, mentioned to a coworker her plans to switch to a different salon, and hopefully take her clients with her. The coworker asked about Steve, wondering whether she’d try to poach him as a customer.

“Oh yes,” she said. “He’s a very good tipper!”

As Steve did everything he could to stifle a laugh and not reveal that he understood, the conversation about him continued and, like something out of a Seinfeld episode, the women began to debate whether he was Chinese, Japanese, etc. Then, to his surprise, his stylist turned to him and, in English, asked his ethnicity. Thinking quickly, he said, “Uh… I’m Hawaiian.”

“Ah, Hawaiian,” the stylists nodded knowingly. But then his stylist asked for his last name. He has a common Korean last name, which he says would have given away the game. So again, mind racing, he replied, “It’s really long, and you wouldn’t be able to pronounce it.”

The salon employees seemed satisfied with this answer., Or maybe they were on to him from the start and were just giving him a hard time for eavesdropping. Either way, I hope he left his usual big tip and departed with a wave and a hearty “Aloha, ladies!”

English – The Great Unifier

If I had known about these auto-translation devices earlier, I might have taken a pair along on a recent trip to the Balkans. Although, in truth, I wouldn’t have had much use for them since pretty much everyone I encountered spoke English. And that’s apparently the case in many places around the globe.

I guess at some point the people in the rest of the world got so tired of Americans in their countries shouting “ENGLISH?!? DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?!?” in their faces that they collectively figured it would be easier to just pick up our language.

Even so, I’ve found that the folks in other countries appreciated it when I learned a few words or phrases in their native tongue. Then again, I could have misread the situation and they were only smirking because instead of inquiring about, say, the location of the bathroom, I actually asked for permission to hot wax their border collie.

As amazed as I am by the advent of these auto-translating earbuds, within a few years the devices themselves will likely become obsolete. Instead, we’ll all have this technology implanted directly into our brains – along with other “must have” apps like Waze, Spotify and Candy Crush.

And while I see the benefit to eliminating virtually all language barriers between people, I can’t help but wonder if there’s also a downside – specifically, that I’ll have to come up with a new method to put off telemarketers since I will no longer be able to use my go-to, “No speaka no Eeengleesh!”