How Does Your Garden Glow?

Cultivating a Plot for the Coming Apocalypse

Lately we’ve been hearing even more talk than usual about impending civilizational collapse. Oh sure, we still have the “classic” portents of our collective demise — nuclear armageddon, climate catastrophe, a giant asteroid crashing into earth, etc. But these days we can also feel just as terrified by fresh new threats like artificial intelligence taking over, bird flu, or an economic meltdown caused by Trump imposing crushing tariffs on everyone on earth and even some animals he feels have been “terribly unfair” to us humans.

Add in the more “wild card” threats we’re also warned about like the bees dying off, an electrical grid shutdown, and whatever those drones were doing over New Jersey, and there’s no question we’re living through a golden age for fatalists, apocalyptic thinkers and all other members of the pants-sh*tting community.

What To Do When Things Go Nuclear

Concerns about armageddon aren’t new, of course. In fact, during the height of the Cold War in the 1950s, many suburban homeowners built underground backyard bomb shelters so that, in case of desperate circumstances, there would still be a place for their teenage kids to sneak off and have sex.

At one point I had my own family catastrophe survival plan. The plan involved an older couple living next door who had crammed their garage full of canned food, water, batteries and other emergency supplies. We got along with them pretty well, so I figured that in a crisis they would welcome me and my family into their home, at which point we could easily overpower them. I didn’t say it was a complicated plan.

Sadly, these neighbors have since moved away and been replaced by much younger, more physically fit, homeowners. It’s probably just as well since, with my shoulder issues, my days of “overpowering” anyone are likely behind me.

An Agricultural Experience

As a result, I’ve had to devise a Plan B based more on self-reliance. And so, a little over a year ago, I decided I would contribute to my family’s post-apocalyptic survival by… growing my own food. That’s right – just like our ancestors used to do before all the arable suburban land was turned over to pickleball courts.

This was a risky choice since in the past I’ve had mostly bad luck in my gardening attempts. Either the soil was not suitable, the plants didn’t get sufficient sun or weren’t watered frequently enough – or sometimes they were just forgotten about entirely. So like I said, just my bad luck.

Considering this track record, I knew I had to be selective about what to grow. After lengthy research involving as many as two or possibly three different websites, I settled on my chosen crop: Jerusalem artichokes. If you’re unfamiliar, Wikipedia describes the Jerusalem artichoke as “a species of sunflower native to central North America… cultivated widely across the temperate zone for its tuber, which is used as a root vegetable.”

Further reading revealed this interesting tidbit: “Despite its name, the Jerusalem artichoke has no relationship to Jerusalem, and it is not a type of artichoke.” This explains why Jerusalem artichokes are widely known as the “Grape Nuts of root vegetables” (OK, I made that up).

Much as I can empathize with a food item that suffers from impostor syndrome, more important for my purposes is that Jerusalem artichokes are both highly nutritious and generally considered a “hardy” crop, meaning one doesn’t have to be a particularly capable gardener to grow them.

The websites I consulted typically included descriptions like:

“Jerusalem artichokes can grow in most soil types.”

“Jerusalem artichokes thrive with plenty of direct sunlight, but will also grow well in the shade.”

“Jerusalem artichoke plants should be watered every day. Or not. Whatever. They’ll probably be fine. You’re busy.”

This was clearly the crop for me.

I planted in the spring and, despite my predictably intermittent attentions, through the summer and fall the stalks grew to heights of 7-8 feet, eventually turning brown and falling over. This was the sign it was time to harvest, and that’s exactly what I did. About three months later.

You see, it turns out that harvesting Jerusalem artichokes involves a lot of digging through the dirt to pull out the tubers. Which, you know, kind of gross, right? I didn’t get into this gardening business because I wanted to get a lot of dirt on my hands. But I guess these are the sacrifices you make if you want to survive an apocalypse.

Reaping and Gnashing of Teeth

After filling a bucket with 40 or so tubers, I sought out promising Jerusalem Artichoke recipes online. Because while I do not have much of a talent for *growing* food, when it comes to *preparing* food, well, I am also not any good at that. Nevertheless, I discovered a few recipes that seemed basic enough that even I couldn’t screw them up.

I scrubbed the dirt off of half a dozen of the tubers, sliced them up (which I admit feeling a little guilty about, seeing as how these were my babies), and whipped up a few different dishes: sautéed Jerusalem artichokes with rosemary and sea salt; roasted Jerusalem artichokes with olive oil and black pepper; and fried Jerusalem artichoke chips. Then it was just a matter of digging in.

Having gone through this lengthy process that began with the initial planting, then proceeded over months of growing and finally harvesting, preparing and eating a food item I’d cultivated entirely on my own, I discovered something new. Something I would likely have never known about myself if not for this experience. And that is that I don’t particularly like Jerusalem artichokes. Yeah, it turns out they don’t taste very good, no matter how they’re prepared. Although the raccoons that cleaned out all the remaining tubers in the bucket I left on the back patio seemed to thoroughly enjoy them raw.

So while this effort may not have brought me any closer to surviving the impending apocalypse, at least the local raccoons’ disaster plan appears to be working:

Raccoon: “Hey look, this guy is just leaving food out. Maybe we won’t have to overpower him after all!”