Season's Bleatings

You better watch out for some of these holiday song lyrics, I'm telling you why...

(note: I wrote this column in 2015 but I believe it remains every bit as relevant and timeless as the holiday songs it pokes fun at.)

The problem with listening to TOO MUCH Christmas music

In my role as an aging and increasingly curmudgeonly newspaper columnist, I know I’m supposed to be cynical about Christmas, and offer up humbuggish thoughts like:

“The whole holiday has become too damned commercial.”

“What’s with stores putting up Christmas decorations in the middle of August, for crying out loud?”

“And don’t get me started on these so-called ‘carolers’ — more like a bunch of freeloaders going door-to-door begging for a handout, if you ask me.”

While I admit to some sympathy for these sentiments, one frequently-expressed complaint about the holiday season that I can’t support is that we’re bombarded with too much Christmas music.

Yes, it’s true that we hear Christmas music much more today than in the past. When I was a kid, you’d hear holiday songs in stores and on the array of Christmas specials that aired throughout December featuring stars like Andy Williams, who seemed to vanish for the most of the year and then suddenly show up on TV in mid-December to sing “Silent Night” alongside Charo and Joe Namath.

Otherwise, most of the holiday music you heard was at home playing Christmas records by beloved artists like Johnny Mathis, Bing Crosby and the Carpenters. Or, if your family preferred Christmas music performed by Jewish singers, you might have enjoyed the Christmas albums released by Neil Diamond or Barbra Streisand.

Today it’s more difficult to escape holiday music. Half the TV commercials you see feature Christmas songs, Pandora and Spotify offer 24/7 holiday music channels, and some radio stations dedicate the whole month of December exclusively to Christmas music. Depression rates reportedly go up during the holidays, but I suspect that those numbers are skewed by all the Christmas station DJs who finally break after having to listen to “Feliz Navidad” for the 50th time in a 72-hour period.

But all that holiday music doesn’t get me down. I love it. Can’t get enough of it. Will tell anyone who doesn’t like “White Christmas” to go shovel it.

However, there is a downside to my near-constant Christmas music listening during the holiday season — repeated exposure makes me pay closer attention to the songs’ actual lyrics. And to be frank, upon closer inspection, some Christmas song lyrics are a little questionable.

Take, for example, the familiar opening lines to the holiday classic, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”:

You know Dasher and Dancer,
And Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid,
And Donner and Blitzen
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?

This is the question? You know all these other reindeer, but do you know the most famous one? Isn’t that the equivalent of saying, “Sure, you know Tito, Jermaine, Marlon and Jackie, but have you ever heard of Michael Jackson?

Here are some of the other holiday song lyrics I take issue with:

• “The Twelve Days of Christmas”:

On the surface, this appears to be a heartwarming tribute to a lover’s generosity during the holiday season. But look more closely at the enumerated “gifts” — calling birds, maids-a-milking, etc. — and it becomes apparent that the singer’s “true love” is likely involved not only in the illicit exotic birds trade, but quite possibly human trafficking as well!

• “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”:

At one point in this song Santa is described as, bearing “little tin horns and little toy drums.” Those make sense as gifts, but what’s to be made of the observation that Santa’s also bringing, “Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums?” Does anyone know what those are? Is it possible that after so many years Santa needs more than just a cup of hot cocoa to keep him alert as he criss-crosses the globe on Christmas Eve?

• “A Holly Jolly Christmas”:

I enjoy singing along to this song, especially the classic Burl Ives version, but I admit to pausing when I get to this part:

Oh ho the mistletoe;
Hung where you can see;
Somebody waits for you;
Kiss her once for me

“Honey, I see you standing under the mistletoe! Here’s your kiss! Oh, and here’s another one. That was for the late Burl Ives.”

• “Here Comes Santa Claus”:

I like religious Christmas music and I like secular Christmas music, but it really roasts my chestnuts to hear them mixed together in the same song. This song features a ham-fisted attempt to merge the two with these closing lines:

So let’s give thanks to the lord above
That Santa Claus comes tonight.

Sorry, but at Christmastime Jesus belongs away in a manger all tender and mild, while Santa should be in the North Pole making his list and checking it twice, and the twain should never meet. Because as much as I’m a big fan of Christmas music, even my love of the genre would be tested if I ever have to listen to “Grandma Got Run Over by Three Wise Men.”